Jane & John Doe

John and Jane started dating after their previous failed relationships. Jane immediately fell in love with John, who was smart and handsome, often spoken very highly of. When John realized how strong Jane’s love was for him, he hesitantly agreed to commit to the relationship, after 3 years of ‘dating’.

As a child raised on a farm- isolated from most of society, Jane found herself confused during conversations – sometimes unable to understand the true intention behind some of John’s lectures. He loves to have lengthy conversations about how Jane could grow, by telling her about everything that she was doing wrong, referring to her as mis-guided and unknowledgeable. Jane took these discussions as genuine- because why wouldn’t they be since John had studied psychology and he was looking out for ‘her’ wellbeing.

Jane suffered from a few ailments like asthma, anemia, and a small neck injury from a car accident years ago, but these only bothered her on occasion. When these issues became more evident to John, his intensity grew. Jane would sometimes be a little more tired than usual around that time of the month due to her anemia, so whenever John found Jane resting, he referred to her as ‘lazy’ and ‘neglectful’. Three months out of the year when it would get smokey from wildfires, Jane would have to be limited on her outdoor exposure. This too made John give Jane the third degree on why her not being able to attend certain events meant that she lacked commitment and just wasn’t dedicated to the family. No matter what Jane did to prove or explain herself, it was never enough to satisfy John’s ideals.

Both John and Jane had children from their previous marriages, all close in age. There were times where John seemed to be happy about merging the households together and blending the family, even praising Jane on being a great stepmother. The other times started to become a direct attack on Jane's parenting style. John would compare Jane’s children to his, insinuating that her kids were inferior to his. Jane was a wonderful mother who loves her kids and has a much softer approach when addressing her children. John made it seem like Jane’s gentle methods were inconsistent and negligent. John convinced Jane that she was failing as a mother in one way or another, leaving Jane an emotional mess. Oftentimes during these ‘lectures’, Jane would cry even to the point of hysterics. John often says; “you are emotionally unstable”, “you have an inability to communicate”, or “and you wonder why your kids react the way they do”.

Jane was close to her family, and even closer to her long-time best friend. Right away John expressed his ‘concerns’ with Jane’s best friend and how she had toxic traits. Jane expressed she felt differently and explained why. Over time John became more and more jealous, finding any and every reason why Jane should discontinue their friendship. Eventually this created tension and led to the destruction of Jane’s friendship with her best friend. The chaos of trying to maintain the relationships with her best friend and the ‘love of her life’, left Jane broken and defeated, Jane gives up. Coming off as sympathetic, John comforts Jane with an abundance of love and affection, quickly to point out that he knew this would happen, as she clings to memories of her best friend. Jane is alone.

John’s actions and behavior were changing between calm and disconnected, and passive and aggressive. Jane never knew which John she would get, adding to her intense anxiety. John could see that Jane was hesitant and reserved- telling her she was just trying to be a ‘victim’ and needed to stop manipulating him into seeming like he’s the bad guy, Jane finding herself constantly apologizing. Jane began to seclude herself more and more. She stopped visiting her family as frequently, she stopped seeking outdoor adventures with her children, and she stopped believing in herself. Who Jane was, started to become an echo- fading over time and distance.

John would shower Jane with generous acts of kindness and displays of gratitude in an attempt to apologize for his emotionally destructive behavior. Jane was on this up and down rollercoaster of love bombing and belittling, with no end in sight. Jane had become socially isolated and emotionally dependent on John. She felt inferior and inadequate, leaving Jane wondering what was wrong with her. Lonely, depressed, and anxious, Jane became consumed in a mind-numbing confusion. Jane, unable to see who she once was, sees only a stranger in the mirror. A once confident, kind, outgoing, and warm woman- buried alive by the insecurities and manipulation of the person she loved so dearly.

-Discovering Jane Doe-