The Cousin

Jane was five years old when her cousin came to live with them. The cousin’s mother was an alcoholic and was always chasing bad relationships, it was not uncommon for the cousin to come stay for extended periods of time. This was not the only cousin that had come to stay with Jane and her family for similar reasons, but this was the cousin that had robbed Jane of a piece of the light that made her shine.

The cousin was like another sibling to Jane, always kind and never made her feel like the annoying baby sister that Jane’s biological siblings made her out to be. Jane enjoyed when her cousin would come stay because she knew that she would be a part of the “big kid” group. Jane was the youngest in the family, and was often told she was too young to tag along with her older siblings. So, when the day came that Jane’s cousin asked her to explore the grape fields, Jane eagerly agreed.

Jane and her family lived in the country on several acres of farmland and grape orchards, there were many places to seek adventure. On this particular day, Jane and her cousin wandered past the usual midway point and to the back part of the property. This section was where Jane’s father stored the tractors, horse trailers, and grain tubs that were not in use. Jane and the cousin played for hours, pretending to drive the tractors getting ready to cultivate our land. Jane felt accepted. One of the horse trailers had a cabin section that had a bed and table area located in the front. The cousin asks Jane if she wants to play house. Jane says yes.

Jane sat on the bed next to the cousin as they mapped out a storyline. The cousin suggested that they should be the mom and dad, since Jane had brought along her baby doll. Again, Jane excitedly agreed. Jane pretended to tend to the baby and the household chores, while the cousin played like they were off to work. When it became bedtime in the game, Jane and her cousin laid on the bed to pretend to sleep. This is when Jane’s cousin explained that mom and dads always have a “special hug” before bed. The cousin said that Jane must lay on her back and they would lay on top of her and wiggle so they giggle. Then the cousin explained that next Jane would have to lay on her tummy so that both sides were hugged. It sounded normal to Jane, as she had seen her parents hug every night at bedtime. Jane laid on her back.

At first Jane was having fun. The cousin laid on top of Jane and started to tickle her sides and stomach. Jane laughed hysterically as tears streamed down her face. Now it was time for Jane to roll over. As Jane laid on her belly, she giggled as she anticipated the tickles. The tickles came and then the cousin paused. Jane was wearing a dress and did not realize that it had rolled up and she was exposed. The cousin said they would pull it down. This did not happen. Before Jane knew what the cousin did, her panties were pulled down and a burning sensation took over Jane’s innocence. Struggling to move out from under the cousin’s grip, Jane screamed and cried for about a minute, before she managed to escape her cousin’s hold. Jane was scared.

Jane ran her fastest not looking back to see if her cousin was chasing after her. She came to a “secret” path under the electric fence that no one knew about, Jane dove under the hot wires and climbed the old willow tree to hide. Jane climbed as high as she could and sat still in the branches to avoid being seen by her cousin. For what felt like hours, Jane sat high in the willow frozen with fear, in a dream like state. Jane snaps back to reality. As Jane tries to understand what transpired deep in the orchard, she notices blood stains all over her dress. Jane does not know what happened, but Jane knows it was really bad. In fear she would somehow get in trouble, Jane climbs down the tree and jumps into the nearby canal to wash away any trace of the terrible thing that just took place. Jane thinks it is somehow her fault.

Jane does her best to rid the blood from her clothes and cautiously walks home, constantly looking over her shoulder for the cousin. Jane spots her dog ahead and immediately feels relieved. Running to the dog as quickly as her trembling legs would take her, Jane makes her way to her dog hugging it tightly upon the arrival. Jane felt safe. There was no sign of the cousin as Jane approached her home. Her family was occupied with their daily routines, no one noticed Jane slipping into the bathroom. Trying to get clean, Jane tries to run a bath herself. Only being five at the time, Jane had not ever run her own bath. Jane checks out, and before long the tub is full. Jane strips off her clothes and hides them until she can get rid of them. Jane steps into the tub, not noticing the temperature of the bath water. Jane faints.

Jane wakes up to her mother over her, telling her that she was okay. Her mother helped Jane dress and applied cream to her body. Jane scolded her body in the hot bath water she drew herself. Jane was tucked into bed. When Jane awakens the next morning, she realizes that the nightmare was real. Paralyzed in terror to face the cousin, Jane fakes being sick and stays in bed over the next two weeks, until the cousin’s departure back home. Jane does her best to ignore what happened until it goes away. It doesn't. Jane tells no one what happened. Jane was violated without understanding what that meant. Jane feels confused, dirty, and sad. Jane feels empty.

-Discovering Jane Doe-